This morning I woke up early and threw a temper tantrum. I have worked hard for years at my business. I love what I do. I love working with clients and helping them build better lives. I love the free lifestyle it gives me. I love to have all those healing skills to use for myself as well to keep going on my own healing journey. In short I love it all.
That said, lately I've been feeling like it is too small for me. I want to grow. I want my business to grow. I feel like I have grown out of how it's been and am ready for more. I'm currently in a book group where we are going through the book The Artist's Way, so the first thing I do in the morning since I started that is my morning pages--pretty much a three page brain dump. It's not meant to be pretty or polished or thought out, just a brain dump to start the day more clear. For my morning pages today, I just threw a big old tantrum. I yelled at the universe for making me work so hard and not moving me forward the way I want and at the speed I want. I was telling it in very angry terms that I've done my part, now for the love of all that's holy, do your part!
I decided to draw a card to write about when my pages were done. I drew the three of pentacles, the card of healthy well collaboration and also the card of having the foundations laid and set in motion so that growth can happen. It did feel encouraging to get that card on a morning like this. I have a weird tell when I'm about to level up in my growth and healing. My tell is that I think all this energy work and cards and all of it is ridiculous and pretend and doesn't do anything, and I feel mad. Then suddenly things seem to turn around for me at that point always. It's absurd I know, but it's that way, and has been for the decade I've been on this journey. Often when I get big energy work for myself, the session ends with me feeling annoyed and like this is all so stupid and energy work is pretend, then from that day on things are different for me. Why is it like that for me? I don't know. It's almost laughable. In fact, the healers I work with the most often get a kick out of it and have learned that it's a good sign. I'm still in bed this morning. I put away my morning pages and picked up this blog. It's raining and I could use a cup of coffee. I can hear my cat zooming around the living room with his morning burst of wild energy. What do I want from today? A miracle. I want forward movement for myself, for you, for all of it. It's time. So that's what I'm going to set the intention to receive for myself, for you, and for all of this. How will it play out? I don't know because right now I am in the I think this is all stupid part, but I fully expect it will happen even if I can't fully expect it will happen. Healing and life is so full of ups and downs, so full of faith and lack of faith, so full of growth at all speeds, and sometimes a person has to throw a tantrum. It's okay. Being a healer doesn't mean having perfect faith in the universe or that things will work out. It means being able to sit with all the feels, even the tantruming ones. Now I'll go make some coffee and start my day and see what happens. Good morning!