Growing up in fundamentalism, there was one path for me, "the straight and narrow" as they called it in the church. It was to keep the Mormon commandments, get married in the temple to someone of the opposite gender, and to have babies. Then when you die, keep being married to that person and making babies for eternity. The training for that life starts early.
When I was twenty I fell in love with a man, married him in the temple, and a year and a half later our first child was born. I was doing what I was supposed to do and I was happy about it.
When I left my job to stay home with my baby, I missed my women coworkers a lot. I started wondering if maybe I missed women in my life in a different way than just coworkers and friends. I had always had very close female friends. I started to wonder if maybe I was queer. I didn't tell anyone because the thought of maybe being queer alarmed me. I was attracted to my husband, too, but maybe I was attracted to more than just men. The internet wasn't much of a thing back then, so I remember going to Barnes and Noble and secretly looking at books about being queer. I could only look briefly and then talk myself out of it, and say I was just lonely being a stay at home mom and it was nothing more than that. I did remember several times when I was a teenager wondering if I was attracted to my friends who were female or having dreams about being with a woman romantically. I figured it was just me being lonely at home and tried to forget it--and for the most part I did.
I was able to suppress my sexuality and hide it from myself for years, only occasionally having to face it, but I was good at denial. I didn't even really have the tools to examine my sexuality because my faith had taught me not to self-observe deeply, or to trust what I saw if I did.
In 2014 I had a faith shift and left the church. In 2015, I was deprogrammed enough to start getting out in the world and learning about myself and my life as a human being not as an eternal wife and mother. I realized pretty fast that my sexuality wasn't what I thought it was. I knew at that point that I was also attracted to women and started learning to be okay with it. I was married so I figured it was mostly a non-issue.
I ended up divorcing in 2017 and having another relationship with a man right on the heels of it. While I was with him, I was doing energy work for myself one day and something inside me opened. I realized that I was actually just as attracted to women as to men and sometimes more. I was happy with him, though, so again, I thought it was a non-issue.
He passed away last September and I found myself single again. A few months ago, I got on dating apps for the first time in my whole life, and set it to women. At first I set it to both men and women, but then I changed my mind. It was time to explore.
I have now had the opportunity to date a little and learn more about life as a queer person, and I like it. It feels so good and so much more aligned to who I am. It feels almost funny to think of myself as a straight-presenting Mormon housewife, almost like I was cosplaying what I was supposed to be without realizing it. Really, I am a queer woman who is an energy worker, an author and an artist who was meant to live an unconventional life. I'm living that life now, and I like it.
Often when those o f us who are LGBTQI step into our aligned life, we have some healing to do. Many of us grew up in atmospheres where we were not free to learn about or embrace all the facets of ourselves. For me energy work was the tool that helped me the most open up to who I am, lean into it, then enjoy it. I find that a large percentage of my clients are LGBTQI because often those are my people. I also have a background in fundamentalism, so I deeply understand the abuses and the traumas specific to being LGBTQI in institutions like that. If you need support embracing who you are, I offer a variety of services to help you step into your own power and sexuality. It brings me joy to help others step into their unique authentic life.
So here I am, sitting at my table, writing this post as a 49 year old woman just exploring her sexuality for the first time in her life. My kids are all grown, all ex-mormons, all queer, and all living unconventional lives very similar to what I would have lived at their ages if given the chance. None of use chose the straight and narrow, convention for time and all eternity. We all chose the broad and expansive, and to deeply honor who we are and the lives we were meant to live. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to experience, but I am so grateful to be at this part of the journey. I'm queer. I like it.
For support on your journey, click the link below: